Letters From A First Born Unicorn

Urban Outfitters

2010-04-19T20:01:00.001-07:00

Hello Urban Outfitters,

While being an "Indie Hipster" is not as cool as it used to be your store is still cute. However, y'all need a more vast book selection. Yes, I am well aware that you are not "Barnes & Noble" but still. Urban Outfitters is very convenient for me to visit on my various breaks from work.

Also i think you should stop selling "What Music Means to Girls" it was absolute dribble. I have never read such a pretentious yet poorly written book in all my years. If i could get a refund of some sort that would be delightful.

Thank you and have a wonderful day

Jimmy Dean

2010-04-19T19:52:00.000-07:00

Hello Friends at Jimmy Dean,

Heavens to betsy I love bacon. I also love being thin. Lets be honest nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. My obsession with bacon not helping this matter. Its horrifing. Nonetheless, I will not stop consuming bacon. I am sure you would like to know that it is extra delicious with a cold Coors Light. I really do not understand why bacon is wavy but perhaps I dont need to know.

Have the most pleasant of days

Kids Cuisine

2010-03-25T15:12:00.001-07:00

Kids Cuisine,

As I was preparing my Kids Cuisine Pop Star meal the other evening while I was at my place of employment I was examining the box. Why does it say "Real Meal" on it? what the hell else would it be? The fact that you must insist that it is in fact a "real meal" forces me to question the integrity of said product. After becoming upset and bewildered I ate my kids Cuisine anyways pretty much because well it was there and i was hungry. Dont try to pull the wool over my eyes it hardly ever works.

On a lighter note, it took me days to figure out that the penguins name was KC because it stands for "kids Cuisine" and not for "...and the sunshine band". You do know that penguins are public enemy #1 right? I personally do not care if godless creatures decorate my dinner but the children may.

I will be 23 next month, I still eat Kids Cuisines, I think people secretly judge me.

90210

2010-03-25T15:03:00.001-07:00

Dear Cw tv,

I was watching 90210 last week like i do every week. How dare you end an episode in that manner. I have been antsy in anticipation for next weeks episode. This happens every week and I just dont care for it.

However, I must note that you're storyline about Dixon becoming addicted to gambling had already been done on Beverly Hills 90210. It happened to Brandon Walsh. Yes, I am aware that Dixon is the "black Brandon Walsh" but come on now.

Also, the season 2 theme song is lame. Go back to the original one.

Will you please tell me what is going to happen to Naomi in the finale???? I hear its devastating. I am so worked up over it. Why must you do this to me!!!!!!!

Fruity Pebbles

2010-03-25T14:53:00.001-07:00

Hello Friends at Fruity Pebbles,

I have been a fan for many decades. well, not many per say, more like 2 decades. I noticed when i was reading Ladies Home Journal that pebbles now has a "Cupcake" flavor. Really?? thats odd. Whose idea was this?? I know it was Dino wasnt it? I find it truly amazing that your product had been around since the stone age. Will you let Mr. Flintstone know that if he would just let his neighbor Barney Rubble have some cereal his life would have less chaos.

I almost forgot to mention the other day i got in quite a heated debate about with pebbles flavor was better. Um, Fruity pebbles, Duh. But, my associates disagreed. Obviously these are people with low standards in life.

Little Caesars

2010-03-25T14:32:00.000-07:00

Good Day Little Caesars,

Almost everyday I have your pizza for lunch or dinner or both. I am a lady who is quite indecisive. Actually thats a lie I usually go to little caesars because the line at mcdonalds is too long & the idiots at quiznos ruined my life. honestly can you explain to me why those bozos at quiznos always forget to put bacon on my classic club? This is a sandwich with like 3 ingredients, a squirrel could make a better sandwich. I suppose you should not be concerned due to the fact that my rage against that asinine place has caused me to spend more money at your pizza palace. your employees kind of annoy me but its not enough for me to yell obscenities about.

Peter Piper Pizza

2010-02-24T13:15:00.000-08:00

Aloha Peter Piper Pizza,

Through the years I have heard many whispers of Peter Piper Pizza being the poor mans Chuck E Cheese. But that does not stop me from loving your exquisite dining establishment. Often there are more children at your restaurant then prefer but hey you win some you lose some.

I was wondering if that Purple Dinosaur still makes appearances?? When I was a youngin I won many many Mighty Morphin Power Ranger temporary tattoos from your Pizza joint. I suggest you bring them back, because my life parter will not allow me to get a real tattoo of the pink ranger.

I think you should open a location right next to a Chuck E Cheese and show them whats up. At least, have to dinosaur and the mouse duke it out at a celebrity boxing tournament of champions.

Olive Garden

2010-02-24T13:04:00.001-08:00

Buenos Dias Olive Garden,

I have been told that the Olive Garden is the greatest thing since the Sizzler. I don't know if I feel that strongly about the "OG". Sizzler is the great thing that has ever happened to our wonderful country.

Have you ever considered capitalizing on your wild popularity? Lets start with something small, like a theme park. The customer can ride in a breadstick. As I am sure you can tell "Olive Garden Land" will be more popular than Disneyland. People will go wild.

So now we have to success of the theme park. Where to go now? Obviously the answer is an Olive Garden Channel. What kind of programming will this channel feature, I do not know. But might I suggest bring back "Super Market Sweep".

Also, I need to know if I can get married in the OG. i know i can have my actual wedding ceremony in your fine dining establishment. The reception will of course be held at the Sizzler.

I look forward to your input.

Tall Club of Las Vegas

2010-02-23T16:47:00.001-08:00

Hello Mr. Vice President of the Tall Club,

It has been a dream of mine to join your prestigious club for many years. How ever I am only 5'1. If i wear stilts may I join?? Is there a membership fee? I understand that the Tall Club hosts cocktail parties. Well, this is perfect because I love cocktails.

But I must ask, Why a Tall Club?? Would the NBA be considered a Tall Club? What do you discuss at meetings? Do you meet with Tall People from other states? Do you wear special vests like the Hells Angels?

I think you should consider allowing short people join your club. it will add diversity. However, I insist that you do not ever allow average sized people. I dont like average sized people. they are jaded with a devil may care attitude.

Exotic Pets Of Las Vegas

2010-02-23T16:38:00.001-08:00

Exotic Pets Of Las Vegas,

It is my understanding that your business offers exotic pets to the residence of the great city of Las Vegas. It is imperative that I obtain a Koala. Why a Koala you ask? Why not? I think it will make the perfect companion to my lifestyle. I like to consider myself to be Australian despite the fact that I currently am not.

Secondly my mother is requesting that I purchase an Owl for her. She enjoys the way they are jaded hipsters. Honestly, have you noticed how Owls have a complete disregard for the entire planet, even though they are the nerds of the forrest. So if you could go wrangle one up for me that would be spectacular.

I look forward to hearing about my new pets.

K Mart

2010-02-23T16:31:00.001-08:00

Good Afternoon K Mart,

I am going to be honest with you I was completely unaware that K Mart still existed. I don't think I am the only one.

My associate and I enjoy taking photographs in exceptional places and we believe K Mart may just be that place. I remember enjoying the feeling of stepping back in time when I enter a K Mart store. Does Martha Stewart still work there?? I would like her to join us for photo fun. I would like our photos to be "Blue Light Special" themed.

By the way what does the "K" stand for?? Kool? Keith? I really can't think of many worlds that begin with a K.

Let me know.

Kohls

2010-02-23T16:23:00.001-08:00

Good Day Kohls,

I have been in your store on several occasions. I have also viewed the television advertisements as well. So you could say I am familiar with your store.

Whatever happened to Mervyns California?? I found making fun of the shoppers there to be quite a delight and a good way to pass the time. I think you have something to do with this considering that Kohls have replaced Mervyns California locations. Kohls merchandise is not nearly as hilarious as Mervyns was. Which, I suppose is a good thing considering that you are in the business of supplying clothing to the middle class.

Oh, wait I thought of something that LC Lauren Conrad collection is a hoot. Really, what was she thinking?? Heavens to Betsey. MTV really does control the world.

Well, Friends at Kohls I hope you have a prosperous day. I think one day I will do a photoshoot in your store for no reason other then I need new Myspace Photos.

Taco Bell

2010-02-23T16:11:00.001-08:00

Hello Taco Bell,

I have been a fan for many many moons. White people really like taco bell. But the devil may care attitude at the location across the street from my home is bananas. First the employees barely pay attention. But, it would be difficult to be enthusiastic at seven bucks an hour. My food was so poorly assembled that it simply feel apart all over me. I'm sure you can understand the difficulty of consuming and enjoying a meal that fell apart. How challenging is it to wrap a bean burrito. Unfortunately taco bell is the only fast food facility near my residence so now I am screwed. I just have no desire to return if the experience is going to be so lackluster. Step it up Taco bell.

Red Lobster

2010-01-22T13:02:00.000-08:00

Hello Red Lobster, Its been many years since I visited your dining establishment. But i hear from others that The Red Lobster is extraordinary. Is this true? I have tired unsuccessfully to lure men to take me on a date to the Red Lobster. From what I recall Red Lobster is soooo much classier then that silly Olive Garden or "The OG" as the young folks call it. Now I'm a classy lady and enjoy a classy meal. Do you believe red lobster can live upto this?? Do you offer Coupons?? Ill wait for your response

The Price Is Right

2010-01-22T12:53:00.001-08:00

Hello Price Is Right,

I have been a big big fan for many many moons. I want to "Come on down". What a fantastic show, I do not know who created it but there is simply no way to describe the genius. Oh, and the Price is Right slot machines are a blast! I have won big money on them. Well not big money per say but a reasonable amount considering its a penny slot.

I love the cliff game the most, the way that cute man yodels up the mountain side is so precious. everyone always says Plinko is the best game but no i disagree.

Please, bring back Bob Barker. He was an amazing host and a delightful man, not to mention a silver fox. Sadly without Bob, The Price is Wrong.

Can i get an autographed photo of Bob?? it would make my day!

Thank you for your time.

Game Show Network

2010-01-22T12:40:00.000-08:00

Good Day Game Show Network,

I would like to know why your network, which claims to be all about game shows but has a strange reality show, does not offer supermarket sweep. Face the facts Supermarket Sweep is the greatest game show ever made. Well actually the Price is Right is, no, Wheel Of Fortune. I LOVE THEM ALL! But I miss Supermarket Sweep sooo much. It was a dream of me & my sister to go on Supermarket sweep. But no we will never have that chance.

Stouffers

2010-01-22T12:33:00.000-08:00

Hello Stouffers Frozen Meal Company, In the 90s I was a child. A delightful child. On Friday Night my aunt Hazel would make me and my sister a french bread pizza created by stouffers. Occasionally we would have a Mama Celeste Pizza, but lets face the facts French Bread Pizza is a touch classier. As the years passed me by i forgot all about this delightful dinner. Until, I was at the supermarket the other night and saw them and was reminded of friday night classy pizza night. So naturally I became thrilled and immediately made a purchase. This time however I was simply to excited to wait until friday night so i had it for lunch. Oh My! what a treat! Yum! Thank you for making my lunch less dull and more jazzy!

Scrubbing Bubbles

2009-12-19T16:51:00.001-08:00

Hello Scrubbing bubbles, Scrubbing Bubbles are so cute. Do they have names?? I want some Scrubbing Bubbles stickers? would that be possible? it would really make my day. I dont clean my bathroom or whatever this product is for. I have people that do that for me. I just like the packaging. keep making cute products. i really think a line of toys and t-shirts featuring the scrubbing bubbles would make a big splash. Let me know what you think!

Glade

2009-12-19T16:44:00.000-08:00

Hello Friends at Glade Home Frangrences, Oh Boy! I have come up with a plan i think you will really flip for! Are you ready? I think you should create, devolp & market Chicken scented products. Not like live chickens, from what i understand live chickens dont shower often. I mean like a chicken dinner. Me and my mother have become quite found of chicken dinners and it leaves our little home smelling so nice. What if it could always smell that way? oh that would simply be a dream come true. However, mother doesnt like cooking all day everyday, and she wont let me cook because i will probably burn the house down. Lets be honest, i dont care about cooking or food really but i do care about the scent of my home. The scent of a persons home says alot about that person. I want my campanions to know that i am a fan of chicken. I know y'all make a apple pie collection, well what does someone eat before apple pie? you guessed it, chicken. PS: i love your products but often cant afford them.

La Sizzler

2009-12-12T17:09:00.001-08:00

Dear Sizzler, I am still very very angry at you for closing all your southern nevada locations. It really is a hassle for me to travel all the way to Los Angeles just to have dinner at my favorite restaurant. i am sure you can understand what an inconvenience this is. but i am willing to make the unreasonable trip because i am sizzlers number one fan! (by the way can i have some sizzler stickers or buttons to show my devotion??). recently, i heard about another establishment called golden corral. i believe that they stole your idea. how do you feel about ths?? have you ever been to golden corral?? should i try it?? i am so confused about what to do for my upcoming birthday dinner. i wanted to throw my birthday party at sizzler but i just dont know if i can afford to bring all my companions to california. It would be simply too embarrassing to have my sizzler birthday party by myself. I have an idea Sizzler. first, change your name to "La Sizzler" it adds a touch of gourmet, and i heard it while i was watching Roseanne and it made me chuckle. also, make a selection of frozen entrees, so i can eat sizzler multiple times a day. sizzler please come back to las vegas. i dont want to starve to death! Please send me sizzler memorabilia. i will be so excited!

Golden Corral

2009-12-12T17:00:00.001-08:00

Hello Golden Corral. I see your delicious ads during the 10 pm news on channel 5. Channel 5 is probably the most unprofessional newscast you will ever experiance, but nonetheless i watch it with out fail nearly everynight. Why not switch to a better newscast? I dont know, I am a lady of routine. I live in Las Vegas, so i am puzzzled as to why i see you advertisments all the time. as far as i know the great city of las vegas does not have its very own golden corral. I think that is a shame. Okay, so i don't really know what Golden Corral is. But I am very fond of your name. I am a big fan of the color gold, and you name has that beautiful color in it, so put 2+2 together and i think i have found a dining establishment that i would be interested in enjoying. Is golden Corral like The Sizzler?? i sure hope so, Sizzler is my favorite restaurant. i am sure know sizzler is one of the classiest dining establishments that the world has ever know. How does sizzler do it? i dont know. But those butt heads at sizzler packed up the caravan and left the great city of las vegas, now i must travel to los angeles to get my fix. So golden corral here is your big chance to be my favorite restaurant in the whole world. i am sure you understand what a prestigious honor this is. well i simply am on pins and needles waiting for your response!

Wet Seal

2009-12-11T19:00:00.001-08:00

Hello Wet Seal, I have been shopping at your store since 1997 (im sure you have customers that were not even alive in 1997) hell, i remember comtempo casuals. anyways, i think your customers employs some of the dimmest people in america. its not uncommon for me to see various employees not working at all. its bananas. i am unemployed and these bozos have a job. what a joke. oh and please resize your pants. I DO NOT WEAR A 7. every other brand of jeans but yours i wear a 3.....

Trix Rabbit

2009-12-11T18:53:00.000-08:00

Dear Trix Rabbit, Did those annoying kids give you your cereal back yet? i have been waiting since 1987 for them to give it back. this has simply gotten out of control. have you considered contacting the local authorities concerning the cereal theft? maybe Judge Joe Brown can help. he is a man that looks like he enjoys food a GREAT DEAL. so clearly a food fan will be more sympathetic to your unique circumstance. also is it just my imagination or did trix used to have a cherry flavor??? oh wait i know who can help you. the police officer that keeps catching the crooks taking cookie crisp. or maybe fred flinstone.

7-11

2009-12-11T18:39:00.001-08:00

Hello 7-11, what a delightful string of stores you operate. are they all company owned?? can i have one? remember back in the mid 2000s when 7-11 became quick-e-mart. that was so much fun! except i had to go to henderson, nv. i hate henderson. it is full of jaded hipsters. i think you should now turn 7-11 into sesame street. i think it will make a big splash. how doesnt love big bird, actaully a relative has explained to me that many people do not like big bird. it is my understanding the general public is a much bigger fan of Elmo. forget elmo, i think he may be mentally unstable, big bird is clearly the godfather of sesame street.

Subway:Eat Fresh

2009-12-11T18:27:00.000-08:00

Hello Subway Sandwich Well it looks like you have won the great sandwhich war of 2009 since all the quiznos in my area have abandoned ship. i am a little irrated by this subway. but lets move on, i am tired of "5, 5, 5 dollar footlongs" lets try $4 footlongs. actually scratch that. who needs that much sandwich beside those beefy construction works on the commercial. A lady of my size needs a $2 6-inch. haha. yes. think about that subway. did you know when the world ends your establishment will be renamed "Zombies: Eat Flesh" get ready 2012 is on the horizon.

Roberto's San Deigo

2009-12-11T17:11:00.001-08:00

Hello Robertos,

How are you? May I ask a silly question the world wide web site where i found your email indicated that you live in san diego. what a glorious city, may i be the first to say i am jealous beyond words.

secondly, is this the same robertos that is located in not so fabulous Las vegas? somehow i dont think so. Call Judge Judy they have stolen your name. Judge Judy knows justice. she will help you.

The robertos in Las Vegas is pure sewage. good god, if you enjoy being morbidly ill then may i suggest lunch there.

I do not think this of your restaurant do to the fact that you claim to be "Real Mexican".

when i want authentic mexican cuisine i head to taco bell. I like to think outside the bun.

Next time i venture to san diego i will try to locate the non-las vegas robertos.

Denver, Colorado

2009-12-11T17:02:00.001-08:00

Hello City Of Denver,

It is my lifelong dream to live in your magical city. I have never been to Denver, but y'all are home to my beloved Denver Nuggets & Coors Light!

That is good enough for me. What do denver folks do when they are not drinking beer & watching basketball. I tried to come up with an answer and i simply could not.

I have also had trouble convincing my companions to accompany me to denver. They tell me that its not that they dont wish to see denver, its that i am unemployed and they are tired of paying for me.

Clearly they are fibbing. I mean no one cancels travels due to lack of funds. That is simply balderdash.

Perhaps I just need to find a new circle of chums.

Mothers Cookies

2009-12-11T16:44:00.001-08:00

Hello Mothers Cookies.

I really enjoy the sweet packaging your products receive. That old lady cartoon on the bag is a real fox. Will you send me a photo of her? I understand Mothers cookies is closing. Forever. While i do not like cookies so this really doesnt affect me, i am sire other people like cookies right. I mean why would you start a cookie company if no one liked cookies. oh wait, maybe thats why the company is folding. This rumor has somewhat upset me. say it aint so. are all the old ladys that bake your cookies going to be unemployed and possible homeless. who can we blame?? that damn kebbler elf?? i knew that little man was up to no good.

United States Postal Service

2009-12-11T16:26:00.001-08:00

Hello United States Postal Service,

I have a been a big fan for several years. I think y'all run a fantastic organization. I love receiving mail it is so much fun! sometimes i even like sending mail.

Collectable stamps are a hoot as well. May I suggest you create a collection of stamps as a tribute to Mr Las Vegas Wayne Newton? Or maybe thats to wild for the USPS. How about Stamps to celebrate Baked Potatoes? everyone likes baked poatoes, am i right? i simply cannot imagine someone not liking them.

Hot damn, I just came up with the single greatest stamp tribute ever. Owls. As you may know owls are jaded hipsters much like many of your customers. Owls scare young people and rabbits. its the perfect stamp idea. I dont require that you give me create when you create this postage masterpiece.

One of my life long dreams has been to be a mail lady. it looks like a hoot.

well i look forward to checking the mail in about 35 minutes. I hope you had a goodtime delivering it. Sorry, if i received anything heavy, its not my fault. I do not control what magical gifts people mail me.

Kentucky Fried Chicken

2009-12-09T19:33:00.001-08:00

My mother and I always have KFC on monday nights. that is our thing. we discuss Owls and eat a original recipe three strip meal. she gets coleslaw (i dont know what that is) and i get mashed potatoes. we are woman who enjoy a routine and for quite sometime kentucky fried chicken has been a vital part of the monday night routine. however, the last two weeks kfc has been out of the strips. the first week, i assumed my location had missed a shipment, but then the second week i was shocked to see that me and mother were being denied dinner once again. like i said we are ladies of routine. we do not like or accept change, so of course we were unwilling to eat anything else on these monday nights. therefore we went without. KFC whats going on?? is there a national chicken shortage. i know we are in a recession but that is no reason to stop enjoying chicken. are your employees simply to lazy and incompetent to make the strips for my dining pleasure?? i am so distressed. mother and i have discussed other monday night dining options and we are simply at a loss. how can we debate about owls with out our chicken dinner? the answer is we simply cannot. it fills me with sorrow to see such a prestigious fast food establishment go down the tubes like this.

Michaels

2009-11-17T15:40:00.001-08:00

Hello Michael Crafts,

Why doesn't your store have more Owl stuff? Owls are adorable and beautiful while at the same time being creepy and alarming! I would imagine craft items of the owl persuasion would make a big splash! When i asked an employee at my neighborhood Michaels store he loooked at me like i had lost my marbles then said "I have never seen an owl" i know there are Owl items in the store i was just unable to locate them. I assumed an employee would be happy to help. I was wrong. When i asked a 2nd employee she was quite snotty and also refused to assist me.

this is a bizarre way to run a business.

Famous Daves

2009-11-17T15:28:00.001-08:00

Hello Famous Daves,

I went to your colorfully decorated dining establishment for the very first time today. it was quite exciting. What festive Environment. I had Dave's Favoriite Burger. i was delighted to see it had bacon on it. You know how dogs act when they see beggin strips?? thats how i felt but you know i am a human.

I think you should decorate your restaurants with Owls. Do people eat owl? I am afraid of them but they make hauntingly beautiful decor.

I wanted to join the pigglet club but i ran out of time! Aw Shucks! But i will be back for sure. it was amazing! It would probably be fun to work there, and I am unemployed so this could really be a dream come true!

well i Hope you have a finger lickin good day! bye bye

p.s. Is dave a real person? is he alive? does he make appearances??

Hollister Co.

2009-11-14T17:06:00.001-08:00

Hello Hollister California

How are you? i am okay, a little bored but okay.

when i was 15 my world was turned upside down and suddenly you were no one with your hco tee & ripped jeans. it was a good time to be alive.

but with all trends i think it died. No longer are people pretending to be from california (i however am from Laguna Beach [the real oc]). are the hip kids still wearing Hollister?? i dont really see it much anymore. I also dont hang out near high schools either.

I had so much Hollister stuff and now 2nd hand stores are overflowing with that HCO look. hmmm...maybe one day it will come back.

Because those jeans made my ass look nice....

well until i discovered true religion.

Tootsie Pop

2009-11-14T16:54:00.000-08:00

Hello Tootsie Pop,

Have you figured out how many licks it takes to the center? Does the world still not know?? Does that cute owl in the commercial have a name?? can i get an autographed photograph of him? i am a big fan and collector of owls! what was the owls favorite flavor?

Are you aware that your slogan "how many licks" has been turned in to smut. While i would never use it in an obscene matter i know many people that do. You should take them to judge judy, she knows justice.

Ed Hardy/Christian Audigier

2009-11-14T16:48:00.001-08:00

Hello Mr Audigier,

How are you? I saw you on MTV cribs, you have quite a swanky pad. I was once a big fan of the Ed Hardy Clothing Line. I owned a few shirts & still use the perfume. Then things got completely out of hand. First of all I saw Ed Hardy stuff everywear, including tons of knockoffs. The look killed itself. Remember what happened with Von Dutch?

None the less i still found some of these looks to be attractive and I even saw a hoodie i would like to own at the Ed Hardy Store in Las Vegas.

Then, Jon Gosselin (The Douche from Jon & Kate Plus 8) started wearing your clothing items and insisting that you two were best friends and he was the new head designer of the childrens line. It was so embarassing when it came out 48 hours later to be a complete fabrication. I cannot imagine what would posses you to assosiate with sucha scum bag. Have you not witnessed him destroying everything he touches?? Its weird.

Although, it seems as if you have severed ties with him the damamge is done.

I think its time to remake Ed Hardy and make it exclusive. Remember nothing is cool if everyone can have it.

Hollywood Video

2009-11-14T16:32:00.000-08:00

Hello Hollywood Video,

Hi how are you? i bet not good.

Is it distressing to see customers turn to Netflicks and whatever else for there movie needs?? I know i would be hurt by that.

Are you ready for the new decade?? Why doesn't Hollywood Video have an adult section? when i used to work at Hollywood Video I know it was being considered. I know people dont really rent Films any more but they would certainly rent a porno. Does it make you laugh that blockbuster has completely failed??

it makes me sad that the video store is dying because i used to enjoy renting a movie for a friday night.

I can no longer do that because my account has false charges on it. it wasnt my fault. i never rented those movies.

Kentucky Fried Chicken

2009-11-14T16:24:00.000-08:00

Hello KFC,

Every Monday night me and my mother have KFC 3 strip chicken meal. She used to get Mashed Potatoes, but no longer does because of the "Odd Texture". I have not noticed that problem so i continue to enjoy them with my meal. As you can see when a family makes monday night "KFC Night" that family must find some enjoyment out of such a tradition, and this was all true. until recently, for the last couple of weeks we have not enjoyed our meals. Have the recipes changed?? why is it a secret? What the Heck is with Grilled Chicken? whatever.

Does Oprah still eat grilled chicken? she looks like she should eat no chicken. but thats another story.

back to my point. the food is just not as finger licken good as it used to be, not that i would lick my fingers because thats unsanatary. My mother & I are considering cancelling KFC Mondays (and the occasion sunday lunch) if things do not go back to there former glory.

p.s. i saw on the history channel that the residents of kentucky hate kfc.

Sephora

2009-11-14T16:15:00.001-08:00

Hello Sephora,

My God, your store is like a little slice of heaven, i have never seen so many ways to doll up yourself in one store. Who started this mecca of make-up? what a fantastic idea that was. I also enjoy that you can buy make inspired by Barbie or Kat Von D. sometimes i like to mix the two looks. You should encourage mattel to create a Kat Von D Barbie. wouldnt that be cute? face tattoos are adorable.

Anyways, as much as i love your store, i do not love the staff what a bunch of bitches. They are all so stuck up and act like the customer is not good enough. Are they unaware with out the customer they wouldnt have jobs. I dont have a job and neither do most of my peers so one would think someone who is currently employed would do whatever it takes to secure that employment.

Perhaps Sephora is not a company that cares about customer relations. I dont know, it seems silly but i suppose its possible. Also, why are things never on sale?/ its really odd.

have a fancy day

h & m

2009-11-14T16:05:00.001-08:00

Hello H &M,

I really like your $5 knit hats, they really give me that "Hipster" look for a low low price. I just couldn't ask for more.

I wish that last statement would have been true. it was however a lie. Do y'all think when you stick tags on clothes. How do i wear a size 2 t-shirt and size 8 jacket? i dont even want to get started on the poorly sized trousers.

I like the obsession H&M has with Minnie Mouse. Its so cute finally a place for 22 year olds who wish to dress like 10 year olds. I believe i own every minnie mouse shirt that h&m has offered in the last few years.

I think next you should go with Barbie. that would be HIP. After all what gal does not want to be barbie??

I noticed the Mens department offers a Elmo Sweater. I tried to get my dad to buy it. he declined and insisted that he would look like a damn fool. Also, i think its time you joined the 21st century and created online ordering.

Or like a catalog?

Honestly what are you waiting for i dont think the "internets" is a fad, no matter what george w bush says.

well i guess thats all i have to say but dont forget to rethink how you size your items.

have a fantastic day! i know i will!

Disney Store

2009-11-14T15:56:00.001-08:00

Hello Disney Store, How are you? How are Minnie & Mickey? I live in Las Vegas and i don't believe that there are any Disney Stores left. Where did they go?? Are they coming back? Can i get a Catalog? I am not into Online ordering. I remember as a wee child all my christmas & birthday presents came from the disney store. it was fantastic. at the time "The Lion King" was al the rage. what wonder days those were. I dont really think Disney will ever top "The Lion King", well maybe "aladin" but we can debate that later. Why have all the disney stores closes? are people no longer taken away by the magic that mickey mouse brings? why is mickey getting an "evil" make over. I dont think Mr. Walt Disney would have found this to be amusing. But from what i understand he is frozen and will someday be unfrozen. so i guess we will find out. I think the store needs to do more "retro disney" merchandise. Guess what my christmas will be mickey mouse themed. i'm excited! we'll have a magical day.

Nissin Top Ramen

2009-11-14T15:21:00.000-08:00

Hello Top Ramen Makers. I bet you know how wildly popular your product is. Especially among the millions of people with out jobs or hope. I am not sure how you have made me succesful in creating dinner for 18 cents but you did it. You wanna know whats sad?? When i can't afford Top Ramen. It really puts a damper on my day. I don't like my parade to be rained on (but who does?? certinaly not Barbara Steissand). Further more, it makes me sad that Top Ramen is seen as being "Ghetto". I dont think its ghetto i think its exotic. I understand that there are ways to spice up top ramen, i am not interested in that i like it the way it is. Thank you for making a Fantastic product in dismal times. p.s. I know someone that eats top ramen dry. its sickening and i think he needs mental assistance.

TeenNick

2009-11-14T15:06:00.000-08:00

Dear TeenNick & Nick Cannon,

I got very upset when TheN changed to TeenNick. Very upset. My Friends & I considered abandoning the entire thing. We are not Teens but still enjoy the witty Canadian programing. However we do not enjoy "one on One" who the hell watches that nonsense?? Why was "South of Nowhere" cancelled. Was it because it was about a Teenage Lesbian couple??? that show probablt helped alot of people.

Also, Nick Cannon. In 1996 he ruined All That. I dont know of thats actaully when he became a cast member but he sucks bad. I dont feel like going to wikipedia to find out the truth about when he started. So after ruining the greatest show of my youth he is now ruining the greatest channel of my young adult life. I have had enough!

If i wanted to watch Icarly and whatever other current nickelodeon shows that flood the afternoon lineup i would watch Nickelodeon.

Get real, TeenNick, we want to see old school Nickelodeon. Like, the early days of the N.

I am sorry to take out my anger on you, but i watch an unnecessary amount of TV.

San Diego Zoo

2009-11-14T15:04:00.000-08:00

Hello Friends at San Diego Zoo, How are you? me i am wonderful. I have never been honored with a trip to your seemly amazing zoo. But I assure you one of these days i will convince someone to take me. How is Shamu doing? My friends tell me Shamu is not real. Thats gotta be a lie. Do you have Owls in the Zoo? will they attack, if so, who do they attack? Children?? What about Hedgehogs?? I really want one as a pet. I am sure you saw last weeks In Touch Weekly where Hedgehogs were named "Hot Pet of the week". What new excited friends have you added to your Zoo?? do the animals have birthday partys on birthdays?? Have you ever considered opening a branch of the San Diego Zoo in Las Vegas?? Vegas is awesome, but all we have is the siegfred & roy habitat. I want something more. Have a fantastic day!

Chex Mix

2009-11-14T14:55:00.001-08:00

Hello Chex Mix,

I recently tried Chex Mix: BBQ. Oh My God. BBQ was the worst idea ever. They are terrible I love BBQ stuff but not this. I sit and look at my opened bag that i can no longer enjoy. Plus these Chex Mix BBQ smell weird.

this is not okay.

it doesn't seem kosher.

try again chex mix, try again.

your company is better then this.

Denver Nuggets

2009-10-29T19:19:00.001-07:00

Hello Denver Nuggets,

I am such a huge fan. I live in Las Vegas and I got one of the bartenders at the bar across the street from my house to promise to have on every Nuggets game that is on tv. My facebook is filled with constant updates on the Nuggets. I think my friends think I am nuts. My favorite player is Carmelo. but really I think everyone on the team is great. I dont even like sports but I never miss a game. I hope one day i can come to Denver so I can actually go to a game. I have actually complained to local sports stores for not carrying enough Nuggets merchandise.

Thank you for being an amazing team. I know this is the year the Nuggets take it all.

Good Luck & I love the Nuggets!!!!

Is there anyway I could get an autographed team picture, or even just a team picture??? It would make my day and I would be so happy & grateful!

Thank you.

Roo's N More Zoo

2009-10-26T13:10:00.001-07:00

Hello Roo's N More,

Yesterday i read a delightful article about your zoo in the review journal yesterday. My mother and I think Roo's N More sounds super. are you ever open on Tuesdays or Wednesday? How Much does it cost to get in? Do you really have Hedgehogs, because if you do I am very excited because Hedgehogs are beautiful creatures. By any chance do y'all have Owls?? I think its very nice that you provide a loving home to all those beautiful animals.

Fox 5 Vegas

2009-10-26T13:03:00.001-07:00

Dear Fox 5 Vegas, hello. i watch the fox 5 10'clock news everynight. its quite amusing. but i have a problem that may seem silly bout its really burning me up. will you please tell Darren Peck that when he is wearing a suit it is never ever acceptable to button the bottom button. it could be a 2 button suit or a 3 button suit, it doesnt matter. it really bothers me that he buttons the bottom button. if he needs fashion assistance he should go to Pal Zileri in the Palazzo they have beautiful mens suits! thank you for your time & thank you for keeping me informed everynight at 10pm.

Washington State Potato Group

2009-10-26T12:57:00.000-07:00

Hello Potato Expert,

I have Potato questions. A) why does it take an hour to make a baked potato regardless of size? what is going on in the oven that takes an hour? my mom was telling me about this and i think she is lying, this cannot be true. An hour really?

this is bananas. is there a way to speed up the baked potato process???

also our the boxes of mashed potatoes (you know the ones with the flakes and you stir or something) are those real potatoes??

thank you for your time.

The Stanley Hotel-Colorado

2009-10-19T21:07:00.000-07:00

Hello Stanley Hotel,

I was watching the Travel Channel last night like i usually do and i watched a program called "americas most haunted places" or something of that nature. Nonetheless i saw your hotel. wow. that was exciting. Is your hotel in-fact haunted??? do you give "haunted tours"??? what are your rates like?? i want to go it looks like a ball. And really who doesn't love a good scare. How would i get there? i live in vegas is there some sort of airport near by? after ghost time what will i do?? is this hotel all by itself? obviously i wish to know everything. thank you for your help.

Aussie Hair Products

2009-10-16T13:51:00.001-07:00

Hello Aussie Hair Products, I really get jazzed when i add "Roo to my Do". Are your Products made in Australia? Do kangaroos use your products? I like the Stunning Shade of purple that y'all use for the bottles. really a nice color. however, i purchased the jumbo sized shampoo & conditioner and the silly pumps dont work. this really delays "adding roo to my do". its really frustrating, as well as confusing. i have a terrible time with product pumps. they never seem to pump to there full potential. the aussie pumps completely failed. how silly. well y'all have a nice day. oh by the way does that beautiful kangaroo in the comercials have a name? he is precious.

Arizona Tea

2009-10-16T13:43:00.001-07:00

Dear Friends at Arizona Tea,

Oh boy y'all made fantastic drinks. i really appreciate the low low cost. i am poor and find a drink for $1 is like heaven on earth!

But something is bothering me. Why isn't Arizona Tea made in Arizona? it makes no sense at all. Arizona is breathtaking state. however, Arizona is not my favorite state because Nevada is my favorite. this leads me to a new question, we have already established that Arizona Tea is, for some reason unknown to me, not made in Arizona. What is y'alls obsession with Arizona? is it your favorite state?? it really is nice and they have roadrunners there. meep meep.

oh by the way i visited the exciting new website, and yes, it was exciting. i also enjoyed your store. Arizona beach towels, how novel!

well have a nice day.

SmartWater

2009-08-18T15:32:00.001-07:00

Hello Friends at SmartWater.

How are you? Me? i am just peachy. i have a idea. i noticed when i was trying to revive myself from a vicious hangover that there was a drawing of a goldfish type creature in my water bottle. it was smiling. i love happy animals. so i was thinking maybe you could put real goldfish in your water bottles. wouldnt that be adorable? they could just swim and be friends.

dont tell you that you have never thought of this yourself. its genius. then when you get tired of goldfish, maybe you could move on to seahorses. i have many friends who do not believe seahorses exist. but i know in my heart that they do.

thank you for your time concerning this matter.

La-Z Boy

2009-07-26T17:39:00.000-07:00

Dear La-Z Boy home furnishings, i am interested in purchasing a couch. but i am wildly particular as to what this couch must be like, although i assume many other people enjoy there home furnishings to have the same amenities as mine. i am a real big fan of beige, it is a hauntingly beautiful color. secondly i needs to have a pull down mirrored cupholder/ tray. it needs to be mirrored to i can set up my lines of cocaine with accuracy. the mirrored tray that will fold down from the couch (preferably the middle) will make my evening so easy and convenient, plus i think my many guests will feel the same way. please let me know what you suggest, so i can make my house a home. thank you!

Taco bell

2009-07-26T17:19:00.001-07:00

Dear Taco Bell Friends, i read in the usa today that gidget has passed away. if whomever is reading this is unfamiliar with gidget i suggest you youtube "taco bell dog" (check out the video entitled "dinner date" its quite sexy). i am under the understanding that Gidget was Taco Bell CEO? is this correct? who do you have lined up to replace her? i find it troubling that you have yet to announce memorial plans for your beloved ceo. after all the years she has contributed to your company you pay her back by ignoring the entire situation. this really puts your integrity in question. that is all.

Wet Seal

2009-07-26T17:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Wet Seal, i am 22 years old and therefore too old to shop in your store, nonetheless i still shop there. i like a good deal and sequins. but i must warn you about a startling trend i have seen on young people. they are called "skinny jeans" at least thats what the 13 year old in front of me at starbucks told me. this is awful. so out of morbid curiousity i ventured into your store and tried on a pair of white "skinny jeans". i was hoping to create a "saved by the bell" look. oh boy, was that a disaster. i have a hard time believing that this is a good look for anyone. but nonetheless as i ventured back into the shopping mall i saw them everywhere i turned. it was like a nightmare. what are these young folks thinking? these pants are unattractive and unflattering. i wanted to tell these people if you must squeeze into pants, then it is time to look for the next size or you could permanently damage your hips. and as someone who is quickly approaching my golden years i am deeply concerned about hip problems.

so i have come up with a solution. i think you will be quick to jump on board. i strongly suggest you remove all "skinny pants" for your store and the internets and have them destroyed. in the meantime i am working with various charities to start the campaign against icky pants!

have the most pleasant of afternoons,

love heidi

mikes hard lemonade

2009-07-15T19:54:00.001-07:00

HELLO FRIENDS
I RESENTLY BOUGHT A "PARTY PACK" PF MIKE HARD LEMONADE, WOO HOO. WHAT A BLAST THAT WAS. I DONT EVEN FEEL LIKE I AM DRINKING WHEN I DRINK YOUR BEVERAGE. YEAAAAAH. ITS THE PERFECT AFTERNOON DELIGHT. IT REALLY HELPS ME GET MY SWAG ON. DO Y'ALL GOT COUPNS CUZ IM POOR AND THIS FANCY LEMONADE IS KINDA PRICY.

Sara Lee

2009-07-08T17:15:00.001-07:00

Dear Sara Lee,
i found somebody that doesnt like sara lee. me.
i often do not eat sara lee products becuase i often see them in grocery carts belonging to the morbidly obsese. i prefer to keep a trim body.
but thanks to a coupon and my need for value, i tried sara lee white bread.
oh my! it was atrocious. i have had better wonder bread and we know wonder is intended for the homeless. can you explain to me why i tasted vinegar when i bite into this bread? why i ask you? i will not eat anything but white bread so i am certin that the breads flavor was off. it is an understatement to say i was horrified.now lets discuss what i put on this bread to create what is often refered to as a "sandwich". i picked out sara lee honey ham thinking it would complement this bread delightfully (this of course was before the bread incident. well, i am at a loss of words. i simply do not know how to describe this rancid ham-like product. was it even ham? from a pig? really, you can be honest. becuase i do not believe that it is real. and if it turns out that it is real i think you should strongly consider re-evaluting your honey ham, becuase it leaves a lot to be desired. i hope you will take these suggestions and come up with some new edible products.
good lord.

Oscar Mayer

2009-07-08T16:53:00.001-07:00

Dear Mr. Oscar Mayer,
how are you today mr. mayer. i have some pressing concerns that i need addressed. i have read in ladies home journal that "swine flu" is on the rise! i do not know what swine flu is, and i became so alarmed that i was unable to finish the article in LHJ. but "swine" means "pig" and i belive hot dogs and ham are made from pigs.
so here is where the problem lies, every afternoon at 12:15 p.m. i enjoy a Ham Sandwhich. just ham and white wonder bread. it really makes a delightful yet practicle lunch. how does this inscrease my chances of catching the "swine flu"? should i stop eating my daily ham sandwhich? i would not like that and to be honest it would really put me in a pickle.
now if i am feeling wild or its a holiday i find a nice plump hot dog to be a rather enjoyable lunch, but you know i must reserve those for special occasions. but it puts me in the same situation now doesnt it.
am i up the stream with no paddle?
Mr. Mayer what is your company doing about this epidemic?
thank you for investagating this dire issue.

p.s. how could i obtain a weiner whistle? it has been a life long dream of mine to have one.

Nivea

2009-07-08T16:41:00.000-07:00

Good Day Nivea,
what does Nivea mean? it sounds alaskian.
so about a week or so ago i bought the Sun Kissed Firming Moisturizer, under the impression that it would leave me looking tan and svelte. i was all jazzed about this new discovery until i applyed the lotion. MY GOD! It is scented like putrid sewage! i am now convinced that i reek when using this product. i am tempted to stop using it becuase honestly the horrific odor is giving me a complex. correcting this issue is dire! please fix it!

Oil Of Olay

2009-07-01T20:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Oil Of Olay,
i am writing to you in regards to your product name "oil of olay". i find it offensive. i am requesting that you omit the word "oil" from your name.the word "oil" is obscene and quite frankley it reminds me of less desirable people. yet, i find that many desirable people use your products so you see where the probelm lies.i look forward to the name change and please keep me updated on this pressing issue.

Dole Bananas

2009-07-01T20:18:00.000-07:00

Dole,hello how are you?
me? i am swell. or at least i was until a companion of mine informed me that the chiqita banana girl was dead. how can your mascot be dead? was it a potassium overdose??
please send my regards to her family
.also, i am allergic to pineapple. it breaks my heart everyday. i am not sure if y'all make pineapples but if you do can you create a pineapple for those of us who are allergic so we can enjoy our malibu rum & pineapple drinks in peace.
thank you.
RIP chiqita banana girl.

G: Gatorade

2009-07-01T20:12:00.000-07:00

Good Day Gatorade
wow i am really enjoying the revamp of your thirst quenching product. i believe i am "fierce" and that others should "bring it". bring what you ask? i dont know. just bring it. i tried a new flavor yesterday i am under the impression that it is "blueberry pomergrante". how worldly and cosmopolitan of you.
i am here to clear up a few rumors. i understand that you will now be marketing to working folks who sit at the desk all day instead of people in the sports world. i personally think this is a mistake becuase honestly unless a "cubicle person" was an alcoholic i cannot see how they would become dehydrated while typing memo's. so therefore your product becomes useless unbless said alcoholic cubicle person mixes gatorade with vodka.
think about it.

J Crew

2009-07-01T19:15:00.001-07:00

Good Evening Friends at J Crew,
how are you? today thanks to my fathers interest in your window display i discovered your beautiful & inticing store. wow what a treat. dressing like a white 40 year old woman is new to me. i felt Gap was my only option. boy, was i wrong.
for many years i regretfully laughed and snicked at my mother for admiring your various garmets. perhaps, she was on to something. until today when i discovered your store i truely enjoyed dressing like a gang member (preferably of the Los Angeles Crips). however maybe this look was not the best choice for me seeing as i am a white female, but that never stopped me.
but then i walked in to J Crew and saw pastels and crisp dress shirts and i became overwhelmed with possiblity and hope. i simply do not know how you come up with this wild ideas for the "modern working gal" and no i dont mean clothes for the hookers (those can be found at BEBE).
keep it up!

Love,
Heidi

Tommy Bahama

2009-06-29T17:24:00.001-07:00

hello mr. bahama,
this is in regards to the "tommy bahama tropical cafe". it really is a precious dining enviroment, and the food is quite tasty.
however, after a glance at the wine list i was disapointed to find that the wines do not complement the food. infact this alleged list was full of swill. also i demand to know how you can sell a bottle of chateu st michelle riseling for $56? i know you think you are pulling the wool over my eyes but you are wrong. i find that wine at the supermarket for $10, or i am lucky $8.
hot damn!
can i get a catalog for tommy bahama clothing, i find the photos soothing.
thank you for your time and i look forward to your responce.

Miami.com

2009-06-29T17:09:00.001-07:00

Hello Editor of Miami Dot Com
how are you? it has always been a life long dream of mine to visit Miami. as you may know my friends Dorothy, Rose, Blance & Sophia live there on richmond street. Sophia didnt always live there but once Shady Pines burned down she moved in with the girls.
anyways, will smith has also written a very precious song about your great city. it is called "miami".
can you mail me information on planning a miami vacation? i am in neeed of information to properly plan the vacation of a life time.
it is also my understamding that my favorite game show "wheel of fortune" has taped shows in your great city. however, i have no proof of this.
further more to prove my love of the city i have a friend who claims the miami dolphins are the greatest football team to ever toss around the pigskin. but to be honest i believe he is simply in love with Mr. Dan Marino....its not my place to judge.
welll i look forward to all the miami information that you will be providing me.

Simply Orange

2009-06-29T16:58:00.000-07:00

hello Simply Orange,
boy, i must say you make delious juices, they are so wonderful that i believe Jesus would enjoy them. the lemonade is a delious tart/sweet blend of joy & desire. I do however think the orange juice is quite "pulpy". but it is also my understanding that there are people out there that enjoy pulp. am i one of them? no. but that is not important.
i do unfortunatly come with bad news,i am poor and can some times not afford your various juice varietys. can we work together to lower the price?
please?
or at least talk to the presidents of all the supermarket chains and have them slash prices, i simply cannot drink the swill that is tropicana....

Pizza Hut

2009-06-29T16:52:00.000-07:00

Hey Pizza Hut,
A little birdie tells me you have changed your name to "the hut" to remain more hip & relavent. well pizza hut i regret to inform you that "the hut" is a name fail.
moving on....like last week or so me & pop craved a quick and easy dinner. a dinner that we do not have often. a dinner that would be a treat. and due to the fact that we both love pizza we gave "the hut" a call.i believe the gal that answered the phone was about 12 years old. i wish i was making this up. regardless of her age i placed my order anyways. immediatly after hanging up the phone i felt a sence of doom. 67 minutes later my pizza pie had not arrived...and i was running out of beer, which as i am sure you can imagine made waiting worse.
so i call "the hut" back. the 12 year old answers again i explain the situation and she hangs up. so i call back, they dont know where my pizza is. so they send another.
FINALLY it arrives...and its cold.
what the french? i am T.O.'d!

Naked Juice

2009-06-11T08:06:00.000-07:00

Hello Naked juice.
How are you? i am swell thanks for asking. I like the name of your juice. it makes me feel naughty. In Fact, sometimes i drink it in the nude. True Story.
i understand your product is sold in Canada. How worldly and cosmopolitan of you.
I also understand that you are giving away temporary tattoos? what a wild concept. but to be frank i wouldn't expect anything less from such a cutting edge and allegedly global brand. how can i obtain such a prestigeous item? i have been a huge fan & supporter of temporaty tattoos since 1993 when i applyed a looney toons temporary tattoo to the abdomin region of my norfolk terrier miss tam o' shanter. she looked so fierce all the other puppies wanted to take her out.
i hope you have a magical day!
i look forward to checking my mail in a few days only to see the suprises (i.e. the cool tattoo) from y'all

Alvin & The Chipmunks

2009-05-26T12:24:00.001-07:00

Dear Alvin & The Chipmunks & Britney & the Chipettes,
I absolutly love your music & movie films. They fill me With joy year after year. Except the new CGI Chipmunks. whose idea was that? well, it wasnt a good one. does any Telly Channels show Alvin & The Chipmunks in the afternoon anymore?? Please tell me yes. Would It be possible to obtain an autographed Picture of the Chipmunks And/Or the Chipettes? please??? I'll Frame it & treasure it with all my heart.
Love,Heidi L
PS, I hear there will be a 2nd CGI chipmunk movie. Cancel that. make a cartoon sequal to "the chipmunk adventure"
PPS. I had to go to 4 Differant stores to obtain "The Chipmunk Adventure" DVD

Cheesecake Factory

2009-05-20T11:08:00.000-07:00

Hello Cheesecake Factory,
i was dining at your establishment yesterday during the lunch hour. i had high hopes. what a poor idea that was. first of all why must your menu be littered with advertisements? are you really hurting for money that much that you feel the need to distract me with ads about teddybears & pants? after i moved on past that fiasco of a menu i selected a "iced mocha" for my beverage and as a professional former barista let me tell you this drink was not up to par. for my lunch selection i chose "spicy ahi tempura rolls" this is the same lunch i had for my birthday lunch last month. during my birthday luncheon i was delighted and suprised! my heart melted with joy. Yesterday however, i was sorely disapointed at the dismal tempura rolls i recieved. first of all i had to wait about 10 minutes to even consume due to the fact that the waiter forgot to bring chopsticks, then when chopsticks were requested, i was told right away only to find out they had been forgoten once again. once i was finally able to enjoy my lunch i quickly found out that i could not enjoy my lunch becuase it just wasnt good. i am saddened and disapointed.

KFC (2)

2009-05-13T16:20:00.000-07:00

Hello Kentucky Fried Chicken,My Mama and I went to KFC today for lunch like we normally do, becuase we are crazy for chicken & mashed potatoes. We dont normally go out just the two of us, so it was delightful. We ordered our usaul #7 becuase we fear change & are simply unwilling to try new things.As we aproached your dining establishment, we noticed a group of middle aged people in business attire snapping photos of the drive thru, this struck me as odd. Nonetheless we proceeded in the building were we saw yet another large group of people in business attire, once again we found this odd. they were swarming the register area, so i feared that perhaps we had walked in a "Oprah Chicken Riot". (yeah, thats right i saw the choas on the news regarding Ms. Winfreys free chicken dinner plan for the country, let me say it was handled poorley, did oprah do this on her own or did someone fail misarably at exacuting this promotion). then after further observation i can to discover ... that these people were manager type people for KFC. As a former Vons employee i understand how irrating and unnessary these "visits" are. back to my story, i would like to know why there was such a commotion in KFC. I asked an Employee to explain the current situation, he said "nothing was going on". Clearly a lie, and a poor one at that. i continued to observe what appeared to be Corporate Employees, all i saw them to was snack on various items. Including but not limited to Brownies. (really, kfc y'all got dessert now? what a hoot!). I Quickly became annoyed about the fact that these employees were taking up all seats and table, leaving no where for the consumer to sit down and enjoy there meal. with out the consumer these bozos wouldnt have a job. I do suggest that you always have tulips on the tables though, it gave KFC a 5 star vibe, very classy!
thank you. and see that the "oprah Chicken" situation is handled promptly, its really embarassing for your company to let a simple promotion get this out of hand. i however will not be participating due to the fact that the grilled chicken looks putrid.

Vh1

2009-05-12T11:19:00.001-07:00

Dear VH1,
I would like to tell you about a marvelous show idea. My friend Heidi and I are your next VH1 stars. We are HUGE fans of everyone on VH1, you know the reality stars.We talk about them all day long and we watch every show. But we are equally hilarious. We get into crazy adventures. Think of as the simple life only with more fun girls. I mean really you should have came to us a while back. I really think your viewers need people they can relate to, just give us some cameras and we will make you millions. Everything we do is a stitch. You know the Hills? Those people are so boring and lame, VH1 you can beat out the ratings on Mondays with some hip fun girls who are exciting. Jump on the bandwagon. It really is an offer you can't refuse.

Thanks,
Eva Jaeger-Boehmer

In N Out

2009-05-11T16:54:00.000-07:00

Hello In-N-Out
why don't y'all deliver, i am sick and dont feel like leaving. but a burger sounds sooooo good. I didnt hear the rumor of lowering prices on October 22nd. What a silly Rumor, In-N_out is cheap. well compared to some other places. oh thank you for not having a "Value menu" how tacky are "value menus" uughhh. oh and also thank you for not opening 5000 locations. and thank you for never ever opening in a walmart. lets see what else??? ummm....thank you for being a friend.

Quiznos

2009-05-11T16:46:00.001-07:00

Hello Friends at Quiznos,
I am not a fan of making things "MMM MM MMM toasty". Must i get my Sandwich Toasted??? My mom just thinks your sandys are the cats meow, i dont get it. i do like that raspberry lemonade thing. can i buy large quanities of that? i would really enjoy that. why dont the sandwichs always taste the same? its really weird. some employees do a better job then others. everyone should be the same y'all.
i think your store is cute

FAO Schwartz

2009-05-11T16:35:00.001-07:00

Hello Friends at FAO Schwartz,
Congratutions on not biting the dust like KB toys. but really who like KB toys? no one.
I remember seeing your store in "Home Alone 2" (which was much better then the original, i mean, am i right?). it looks so magical. Unfortunatly i have never been to the big apple so i really wouldnt know.
I do live in Vegas so I have a FAO store very close to me at Caesars Palace. and i find it to be amusing. expect that large horse thing that you call a door. it is absolutly frightning. well, i am afraid of horses anyways. Oh then the horse's head moves. It sends shivers down my spine.
okay, lets stop rambling and get to the real issues here. do you know where i can locate pogs?? seriously? pogs? i want some, but i believe that they are no longer in production. Yes, i could go on ebay. But i think we both Know Ebay is full of Sickos. So, that is clearly out of the question.
thank you for looking into this important issue.

Candy Land

2009-05-11T16:14:00.001-07:00

Hello friends at Candy land,
First off, let me say that Candy Land has changed my life for the better. It is my lifelong dream to be just like Queen Frostine. she is soooo precious. i always thought her and the peppermint stick man (i forgot his name) should of gone on a date.
anyways, a little birdie told me that a CandyLand movie is in the works. can you confirm or deny this?? I dont mean on of those straight to video movies, but like, a real go to theatres movie. if this is not in the works i suggest it becomes "in the works".
thank you for your time.

Push Ups Ice Cream

2009-05-10T15:40:00.000-07:00

Hello Nestle Ice Cream,
Why do Push-Ups ice cream treats no longer feature the Flintstones??? I love the Flintstones, especially Pebbles, in fact sometimes i do my hair like Pebbles. Push-Ups now have Scooby Do on them. no one really like Scooby Do, am i right??? i think so.

Sports Chalet

2009-05-09T16:37:00.001-07:00

Hello Sports Chalet
i'm glad you'll take me to the limit. anyways i generally shop in a las vegas location and as you know vegas doesnt have any teams. so it is understandable why would would carry team merchandise from surrounding states. Colorado is not that far. where is the denver nuggets stuff? why am i the only one that likes the nuggets. you have a HUGE selection of lakers stuff, which my dad likes for some odd reason. But i hate the lakers. i HATE them. i want to punch kobe bryant. okay, i really doubt you care, so i'll get back to my point. hook up the vegas stores with sweet denver nuggets stuff. thanks.

Toys R Us

2009-05-08T18:00:00.001-07:00

hello toy r us,
i recently joined your "birthday club" i was under the impression that i would be recieveing a suprise as well as a call from Geoffrey. i recieved neither. i am not gonna lie, i am disapointed, deeply disapointed. is it becuase i just turn 22? am i too old for your "elite birthday club". i didn't think so. seeing as at 22 i still shop in your store, for all my Smurf needs.
thank you for looking into this matter

Mr. Bubble

2009-05-08T17:20:00.001-07:00

Hello Mr. Bubble,
you make bath time so much fun for me. i mean bath time is already fun but you really add alot to it. i am an adult now and i still like mr. bubble. why doesnt the bubble bath come with stickers or temporary tattoos anymore? i really miss those.
I just understnad why kids dont like baths? do they like being dirty? thats not kosher.
Continue to bring bubbles & joy into the world.

Jane Pratt

2009-05-08T17:05:00.000-07:00

Hello Jane Pratt,
I first of would like to say I am a big fan. I unfortunatly was a little too young for sassy magazine, but i hear it was amazing. well, i read the "How Sassy changed my Life" book. I however was a fan of Jane Magazine for many many years. Actaully it was the only womans magazine i read as a teen. I was absolutly devastated when it folded. I no longer has something to look forward to each month.
I know now is not the brightest time to start a new magazine due to the current economic climate but i really wish you would. I believe I read somewhere that you were hatching ideas for a new magazine. Write a book or something. Throw me a bone here!
Thank you for Reading this. Long Live Jane.

Spin Magazine

2009-05-08T17:00:00.001-07:00

Hello Spin Magazine,
I have a bone to pick with you. i was just tooling around on Spin.com and i was flipping through a thing entitled "25 best covers of the last 25 years". I was sure that i would see the 1996 (coulda been 1997) cover that was supposed to feature No Doubt but instead only featured Gwen Stefani. But i didnt see that one included in your little list. why? Are you aware the pain you caused No Doubt by putting on her on the cover was the inspriation for the video "Don't Speak"? I think that is more then enough reason to have that included. Instead you have a cover featuring The Killers. Seriously? The Killers? People like them? I don't. They are from Vegas like me and I am ashamed that a band that shares a hometown with me would produce such garbage.
I think you need to apoligize to No Doubt for upsetting there apple cart.
Yes, I know No Doubt is on the cover of the current issue. Can i have a poster of the cover. If you can send me a poster of a No Doubt (or gwen) Cover i will forgive you.
have the most enjoyable of days and i look forward to hearing from you.

Whole Foods

2009-05-08T16:41:00.001-07:00

Hello Whole Foods,
did you know that you are the offical grocery store of white people? its true. the book "stuff white people like" had nothing but kind words for your upscale supermarket. so of course i had to check it out considering i am in fact white.so i went to the whole foods at town square in Las Vegas Nevada. I have no idea who thought it would be a good idea to put a grocery store in a mall, but thats besides the fact. You know now that i think of it, i beleive that the people that devolped Town Square truely believe it is a town, when in reality you and I know this is untrue, its a mall. Back on track, good god o'mighty did i have a great time in your store. it was absolutly breath taking. No wonder white folks just go crazy for all the francy organic goodness.Bravo! Continue to be elite.

Samsung

2009-05-08T16:28:00.000-07:00

Hello Samsung Electronics Company,
When i was about 13 my parents bought me a dvd player. that was about 10 years ago when dvd players were still cool. my understanding now is that DVD players are on the way out, just like the good old VCR. I have adored and Tresured my DVD player for 10 years now. However, recently it started getting ghetto on me. I was trying to watch "The Hills Season 3" (um, I mean i dont like that show...) anywho your little DVD player told me that there was no disc inside. i know for absolute certinity that there was infact a disc inside. i could hear it spinning right round round. like a record. so i turned off the dvd player and tried again, same problem. finally after about 15 trys (i am unemployeed so i have alot of free time) it finally played. i wish i could get a new DVD player, so i can toss my Hoopty DVD player out.oh that model number i chose for this email is most likely incorrect due to the fact that i have to wonder how the hell i would know the model number. however the purchase date is correct.

Blockbuster

2009-05-08T16:07:00.001-07:00

Dear friends at Blockbuster Video,
Do people actaully still flock to your stores? do people actaully rent movies? I think VHS is due for a comeback, those were simplier days. i am a former hollywood video employee and we used to get blockbuster dvd's in our drop box all the time, which was always very confusing considering there was not a blockbuster store near us. I just can't imagine anyone actaully taking the time to go to a blockbuster store.i have felt this way for a while, them BAM a new one opened up down the street. how is this possible i thought you closed alot of stores. if you feel foe finacial reasons that you should close stores then why in gods name would you open a new one?by the way, your website is several shades of confusing.

Hi Heidi,Thank you for contacting Blockbuster Customer Care.

I'm sorry that you find some "shades" in our website confusing and I understand your concern regarding the current financial crises.

We take feedback and suggestions seriously and welcome them as a valuable tool needed to improve the quality of our service. I've submitted your feedback regarding out website to the appropriate department for review.
Blockbuster Inc. is a leading global provider of in-home movie and game entertainment, with more than 7,500 stores throughout the Americas, Europe, Asia and Australia. Blockbuster continues to make significant progress with our efforts to transform the company into a multi-channel provider of entertainment. In this regard, the Company has hired the law firm of Kirkland & Ellis LLP to advise it with respect to its ongoing financing and capital raising initiatives, not bankruptcy as was reported by some news media outlets.

Additional information is available from the Investor section of the Company's web site at http://investor.blockbuster.com.

I hope you visit the newly opened store and check what we have to offer to you. You may sign up for a membership. Just bring two forms of major ID such as driver license, credit card, social security card, utility bill, etc. Sign up is quick, easy, and free.
Please let me know if there is anything else I can do for you.Always here to help,JeromeBlockbuster Customer Care

The Village Pub

2009-05-08T15:47:00.001-07:00

Hello,
I am quite the regular customer at your Village Pub Bar. In fact you could say its like cheers where everybody knows my name. its quite amusing. would you like to know whats not amusing the dull music that is being pumped into the speakers at the bar. Seriously this is a bar not a library. i do not need to hear celine dion. as much as i love "Wind Beneath My Wings" it is innapropiate for cocktail hour. Can't we hear more entertaining music. How about Classic Rock everyone likes that. No one likes soft rock execpt those who are near death.
What sort of nut picked out the playlist? its horribly upsetting to me. i demand change in the music at the village pub or will take my money elsewhere. and that other place will not be playing such god awful music.
thank you for looking into this important matter.

Mission Tortillas

2009-05-08T15:37:00.001-07:00

Hello Mission Tortillas,
Let me complement you on a delightful product. But i have a confession, i cannot make a qusadilla to save my life. it seems simple enough but i fail time after time. i mean for gods sake its a tortilla with cheese in the middle. how do i mess this up? god only knows. but i will continue to try even though now all i expect is failure. I think i need to walk to the supermarket and get some tortillas now, sometimes i eat them straight out of the bag. Where are Tortillas made? mexico? well mexico is what i would assume.
cool. well have a fun day!

Captain Morgan

2009-05-08T15:28:00.000-07:00

Good Day Captain Morgan,
How are you on this glorious Friday afternoon? I wanted to let you know that i saw you at the supermarket once and it improved my day a great deal. I really enjoy your rum, it tastes so good with coke. yum yum. The Captain has been apart of many curious evenings.
In fact i may have a little captian in me now....

Cartoon Network

2009-05-08T15:25:00.001-07:00

Hello Cartoon Network,
Is there some reason why you no longer air "Garfield and Friends". I dont know if you know this, but on Garfield the fun never ends. well, at least it didnt end until you pulled the plug.
also, a small animal informed me that "The Office: UK" is coming to adult swim. can you confirm this?
have an enjoyable day

Little Miss Texas

2009-05-08T15:16:00.001-07:00

Hello Little Miss Texas Pageant
I am currently 22. Does this make me too old to enter your elite pageant? i look really young. and i am very tiny. My Mama never entered me into pageants when i was younger and now i am terrified that my ship has sailed.
please let me know if i can enter it would simply mean the world to me.

Ford

2009-05-08T15:05:00.000-07:00

Hello Ford Motor Cars,
I think its high time for the Ford Pinto to make a return! The Pinto is such a sweet ride. I have been trying relentlessly to obtain one. it could be a lot easier for me if you could put the Pinto in production again. Yeah, so it would set on fire. I personally like living on the edge. think about it, the Pinto is the future of Fine Motor Cars that can be manufatured by your great american company.
Oh and sorry that y'all need so many bailouts, thats sucks. i hope you can make it though the embarasment.

Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf

2009-05-08T14:56:00.001-07:00

Hello Friends at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf
words cannot explain how much i love your company. what a treat! as a former starbucks employee you would think my devotion would be with them. well, you'd be wrong. don't worry i let starbucks know that i love you more. and quite honestly i dont think they were concerned, or perhaps they were just being coy in there vague responce to my confession.
please continue to make delectable beverages. i cant wait until my next visit.

Pringles

2009-05-08T14:51:00.000-07:00

Hello Pringles,
whats the name of the attractive man on the pringle can? is it Mr. Pringle? I think my friend Eva would like a moustace like his. okay sorry i am getting off topic.
I am writing you today in regards to a very alaraming product i found on the selves of my local supermarket. "pickle" flavored pringles. Ummm Seriously? what bozo came up with that one. I believe there is a Baked potato on too, but i am not sure. but i am sure i saw a "Pickle" one and nearly lost my lunch. I have not tried such product and i dont believe i will. I cannot stand pickles and honestly i think they are obscene. really they are. i just want to know why someone thought this was a good idea?
whats next? tell me??? everytime you have a new flavor it just becomes more strange.
Now you wanna talk about a delicious pringle? have the BBQ ones YUMMY! i could eat the BBQ ones all day!
thank you for taking the time to look into this alarming "Pickle" situation.

Thank you for contacting us, Heidi. The Pringles recipe, along with the Mr. Pringles icon started in 1956. We apprecieate you took to the time to share how much you love the flavor of our BBQ Pringles! We try to offer a wide variety of flavors to please as many people as possible. Please be assured I'm sharing your comments with the rest of our team. Thanks again for writing. Rose Pringles Team

TV Land

2009-05-08T14:26:00.000-07:00

Dear TV Land,
there are a couple things on my mind. First of all a Brady Bunch Reunion would be amazing! i understand Mike Brady would be unable to make it due to his death. However, i am sure marcia and jan and the rest of the gang would be excited. well maybe not marcia, i read her book and she wasnt to fond of the whole bunch.
seondly, a little birdie told me that "Roseanne" is coming to TV Land this summer! Boy, that is Fantastic! i love that show. mainly i love it, becuase i love white trash.
Thirdly, what is the point of the TV Land awards? Can you honor the golden girls for life time achievement? becuase if anyone should be honored for Achievement its my girls Dorothy, Rose, Blanche & sophia. don't you think?
Forthly, Why is "3rd rock from the sun" on your line up. No one actaully watches that show do they? it is not a "modern classic" its a "modern nusence"
.well, i hope you have a great day and i look forward to hearing from you! toodles!

TLC: The Learning Channel

2009-05-08T14:07:00.001-07:00

Hello The Learning Channel,
as i am sure you know i am writing in regards to "jon & kate plus 8". i don't honestly believe that they like each other, i think the 8 kids have caused them to resent each other. and we all know what jon was doing at the legends lounge with his "lady friend". Come on, they need to own up becuase we all know that USweekly & Star publish nothing but the truth. and while we are discussing these two unloving bozos can we talk about kates haircut? what is that? why doesnt it move? Oh and someone please let her know that chunky highlites are soooo 1998.
thank you for taking time out of your day to allow me to voice my opinion.

Chuck E Cheese

2009-05-08T13:54:00.001-07:00

Hello Chuck E Cheese,
I really enjoy your resterant/party zone. i have made many many memorable memories at chuck e cheese since about 1990. recently becuase i am 22 i feel silly going there especially without kids (although i did go with kids once and people looked at me like i was a teenage mother. how embarassing)i think you should have aldults only after hours partys, so we adult can get all the enjoyment of chuck e cheese with out the irratation of screaming children.
thank you for examining this important matter!

Progressive Auto Insurance

2009-05-08T13:04:00.001-07:00

Dear Progressive,
i find your commercials to be mind numbingly irratating. who is this "flo"? is she hopped up on pills? if i never see her again it will be okay with me and i am sure countless others.

Jif Peanut Butter

2009-05-08T12:52:00.001-07:00

Hello Jif,
you say "choosey moms choose Jif" i dont think my mom did, but then again i was never a big fan of peanut butter. However, is peanut butter still poisonous? e coli? salmanella? its so sad, becuase even though like i said i am not the biggest peanut butter fan i still like those neon orange crackers with the peanut butter sheet inside. and now i cant find them. although my dad did find them once, i ate them i havnt died yet so i think they are okay. i just figured y'all were the authority on peanut butter so you would know.

Meow Mix

2009-05-08T12:47:00.001-07:00

I want chicken, I want liver, Meow mix, Meow mix please deliver. Like, last week a cat wandered into my home, i named her gwen and gave her food. she left a few days later, and is currently m.i.a. anyways i wanted to compliment you on the cutest jingle ever. i was delighted to hear it when i stumbled upon meowmix.com. does baxter the cat still sing the song or is it a new cat?

Daisy Sour Cream

2009-05-08T12:33:00.000-07:00

Hello Friends at Daisy Sour Cream
i would like to thank you for bring the word "dollop" back into the lives of young people. i cannot hear that word with out thinking "do a dollop of daisy" it still remains unclear what a "dollop" is.i often see your delightful advertisements during &th heaven on the hallmark channel. i mean, i do not watch that show.
i really find sour cream to be sickening but i like your commercials. if you could find another thing for me to use a "dollop" of besides sour cream i would be greatful.
have a fantastic day!

May 13, 2009Control ID: 28495Dear Heidi, Thank you for contacting Daisy Brand regarding our jingle. The word dollop is in the dictionary and has the meaning of a spoon-sized quantity of a thick liquid or a soft solid such as ice cream or sour cream. I hope this information helps to answer your question. Please visit our website often for delicious tasting recipes using our product. There might be one that turns out to be a family favorite or one that will change your taste buds into liking our sour cream!Regards, Becky WaszgisDaisy Brand Consumer Relations