La-Z Boy

Dear La-Z Boy home furnishings, i am interested in purchasing a couch. but i am wildly particular as to what this couch must be like, although i assume many other people enjoy there home furnishings to have the same amenities as mine. i am a real big fan of beige, it is a hauntingly beautiful color. secondly i needs to have a pull down mirrored cupholder/ tray. it needs to be mirrored to i can set up my lines of cocaine with accuracy. the mirrored tray that will fold down from the couch (preferably the middle) will make my evening so easy and convenient, plus i think my many guests will feel the same way. please let me know what you suggest, so i can make my house a home. thank you!

Taco bell

Dear Taco Bell Friends, i read in the usa today that gidget has passed away. if whomever is reading this is unfamiliar with gidget i suggest you youtube "taco bell dog" (check out the video entitled "dinner date" its quite sexy). i am under the understanding that Gidget was Taco Bell CEO? is this correct? who do you have lined up to replace her? i find it troubling that you have yet to announce memorial plans for your beloved ceo. after all the years she has contributed to your company you pay her back by ignoring the entire situation. this really puts your integrity in question. that is all.

Wet Seal

Dear Wet Seal, i am 22 years old and therefore too old to shop in your store, nonetheless i still shop there. i like a good deal and sequins. but i must warn you about a startling trend i have seen on young people. they are called "skinny jeans" at least thats what the 13 year old in front of me at starbucks told me. this is awful. so out of morbid curiousity i ventured into your store and tried on a pair of white "skinny jeans". i was hoping to create a "saved by the bell" look. oh boy, was that a disaster. i have a hard time believing that this is a good look for anyone. but nonetheless as i ventured back into the shopping mall i saw them everywhere i turned. it was like a nightmare. what are these young folks thinking? these pants are unattractive and unflattering. i wanted to tell these people if you must squeeze into pants, then it is time to look for the next size or you could permanently damage your hips. and as someone who is quickly approaching my golden years i am deeply concerned about hip problems.

so i have come up with a solution. i think you will be quick to jump on board. i strongly suggest you remove all "skinny pants" for your store and the internets and have them destroyed. in the meantime i am working with various charities to start the campaign against icky pants!

have the most pleasant of afternoons,

love heidi

mikes hard lemonade

HELLO FRIENDS
I RESENTLY BOUGHT A "PARTY PACK" PF MIKE HARD LEMONADE, WOO HOO. WHAT A BLAST THAT WAS. I DONT EVEN FEEL LIKE I AM DRINKING WHEN I DRINK YOUR BEVERAGE. YEAAAAAH. ITS THE PERFECT AFTERNOON DELIGHT. IT REALLY HELPS ME GET MY SWAG ON. DO Y'ALL GOT COUPNS CUZ IM POOR AND THIS FANCY LEMONADE IS KINDA PRICY.

Sara Lee

Dear Sara Lee,
i found somebody that doesnt like sara lee. me.
i often do not eat sara lee products becuase i often see them in grocery carts belonging to the morbidly obsese. i prefer to keep a trim body.
but thanks to a coupon and my need for value, i tried sara lee white bread.
oh my! it was atrocious. i have had better wonder bread and we know wonder is intended for the homeless. can you explain to me why i tasted vinegar when i bite into this bread? why i ask you? i will not eat anything but white bread so i am certin that the breads flavor was off. it is an understatement to say i was horrified.now lets discuss what i put on this bread to create what is often refered to as a "sandwich". i picked out sara lee honey ham thinking it would complement this bread delightfully (this of course was before the bread incident. well, i am at a loss of words. i simply do not know how to describe this rancid ham-like product. was it even ham? from a pig? really, you can be honest. becuase i do not believe that it is real. and if it turns out that it is real i think you should strongly consider re-evaluting your honey ham, becuase it leaves a lot to be desired. i hope you will take these suggestions and come up with some new edible products.
good lord.

Oscar Mayer

Dear Mr. Oscar Mayer,
how are you today mr. mayer. i have some pressing concerns that i need addressed. i have read in ladies home journal that "swine flu" is on the rise! i do not know what swine flu is, and i became so alarmed that i was unable to finish the article in LHJ. but "swine" means "pig" and i belive hot dogs and ham are made from pigs.
so here is where the problem lies, every afternoon at 12:15 p.m. i enjoy a Ham Sandwhich. just ham and white wonder bread. it really makes a delightful yet practicle lunch. how does this inscrease my chances of catching the "swine flu"? should i stop eating my daily ham sandwhich? i would not like that and to be honest it would really put me in a pickle.
now if i am feeling wild or its a holiday i find a nice plump hot dog to be a rather enjoyable lunch, but you know i must reserve those for special occasions. but it puts me in the same situation now doesnt it.
am i up the stream with no paddle?
Mr. Mayer what is your company doing about this epidemic?
thank you for investagating this dire issue.

p.s. how could i obtain a weiner whistle? it has been a life long dream of mine to have one.

Nivea

Good Day Nivea,
what does Nivea mean? it sounds alaskian.
so about a week or so ago i bought the Sun Kissed Firming Moisturizer, under the impression that it would leave me looking tan and svelte. i was all jazzed about this new discovery until i applyed the lotion. MY GOD! It is scented like putrid sewage! i am now convinced that i reek when using this product. i am tempted to stop using it becuase honestly the horrific odor is giving me a complex. correcting this issue is dire! please fix it!

Oil Of Olay

Dear Oil Of Olay,
i am writing to you in regards to your product name "oil of olay". i find it offensive. i am requesting that you omit the word "oil" from your name.the word "oil" is obscene and quite frankley it reminds me of less desirable people. yet, i find that many desirable people use your products so you see where the probelm lies.i look forward to the name change and please keep me updated on this pressing issue.

Dole Bananas

Dole,hello how are you?
me? i am swell. or at least i was until a companion of mine informed me that the chiqita banana girl was dead. how can your mascot be dead? was it a potassium overdose??
please send my regards to her family
.also, i am allergic to pineapple. it breaks my heart everyday. i am not sure if y'all make pineapples but if you do can you create a pineapple for those of us who are allergic so we can enjoy our malibu rum & pineapple drinks in peace.
thank you.
RIP chiqita banana girl.

G: Gatorade

Good Day Gatorade
wow i am really enjoying the revamp of your thirst quenching product. i believe i am "fierce" and that others should "bring it". bring what you ask? i dont know. just bring it. i tried a new flavor yesterday i am under the impression that it is "blueberry pomergrante". how worldly and cosmopolitan of you.
i am here to clear up a few rumors. i understand that you will now be marketing to working folks who sit at the desk all day instead of people in the sports world. i personally think this is a mistake becuase honestly unless a "cubicle person" was an alcoholic i cannot see how they would become dehydrated while typing memo's. so therefore your product becomes useless unbless said alcoholic cubicle person mixes gatorade with vodka.
think about it.

J Crew

Good Evening Friends at J Crew,
how are you? today thanks to my fathers interest in your window display i discovered your beautiful & inticing store. wow what a treat. dressing like a white 40 year old woman is new to me. i felt Gap was my only option. boy, was i wrong.
for many years i regretfully laughed and snicked at my mother for admiring your various garmets. perhaps, she was on to something. until today when i discovered your store i truely enjoyed dressing like a gang member (preferably of the Los Angeles Crips). however maybe this look was not the best choice for me seeing as i am a white female, but that never stopped me.
but then i walked in to J Crew and saw pastels and crisp dress shirts and i became overwhelmed with possiblity and hope. i simply do not know how you come up with this wild ideas for the "modern working gal" and no i dont mean clothes for the hookers (those can be found at BEBE).
keep it up!

Love,
Heidi